Thursday, August 16, 2007

The scariest thing in the world...

... Is an idiot with a "system."

So, I'm broke as a bad joke, amazingly in debt, and living off of fake money. This drove me to CraigsList, to see if I could find a job, or - at least - a temp gig that would buy my groceries for a while.

Well, I was totally lucky, & found a week-long gig selling merchandise at the tour of SPAMalot that is in KC through Sunday. The money sounded good, I got a free t-shirt, and I got to see the show for free.

So, I have a shirt, and it's awesome. I got to see the show last night, at it was HI-larious. And, indeed, the money is solid.

But, the guy in charge. Lord.

His name is Bill. Bill has totally good intentions. Unfortunately, Bill has no social or people skills, is completely incapable of talking about anything other than the job, and - best of all - has a "system." Everything is set up & taken down according to the "system."

Systems aren't toally bad. Sometimes, they are totally helpful.

Bill's system is not. This system says we can't do any work until EVERYONE is there to do the work. So, instead of just setting up the damn merch stand, we're standing there for 15 minutes, listening to Bill bitch about how we can't set the stand up yet. And, then, once everyone's there & we get the stand set up, he bitches about how he wished we could've gotten the stand set up sooner.

Or, for breaking down the stand, we have to count everything at the same time, which is fine. But, then, for entering numbers, we have a system that goes like this: A enters the numbers onto the computer spreadsheet, and B looks over A's shoulder to make sure A is doing it right. C writes the numbers onto a printout of the spreadsheet, while D looks over C's shoulder to check for mistakes & to read out the products as we're gonig downt he list, to make sure we're all on the same page.

I know, it doesn't sound that bad. But, imagine it going super slow & super fast in all the wrong places. (IE - slow while entering numbers; Bill standing behind you shouting to hurry up while counting) And, now, imagine the system crumbling at every chance, and everything having to be done over again. That is my night.

My night with Bill and his system. The whole thing is just asinine.

Thankfully, the other girl that works behind the stand with me is a lovely young woman named Charlene. She is excellent for conspiring & commiserating with. Every so often, when things are completely retarded (like when Bill disappears for 40 minutes during the rush right before the show & then yells at us because we made a tiny mistake), we look at each other, smirk, and say, "System. It is all part of the system."

And, then, of course, there's Wes. Who has the most amazing case of short man's syndrome you've ever seen in your LIFE. And, I will leave him at that. He's everything you dream he could be.

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On a happier note, and completely unrelated, I was riving through Westport a couple days ago, and there was a guy standing on the sidewalk next to his car. Singing & dancing. It was the most ridiculous, flailing dance I've ever seen. Has anyone else ever seen this guy before? Because, it was really incredible.

Here, I drew a picture, because pictures are awesome.



Yes, I know that, somehow, I have managed to create a 2-door stationwagon. You should ignore that part. And, for reference,t he music was coming out of both the man and the car, whose door was open - but I'm not quite skilled enough to draw that.

***********************
And, finally, filed under thing s that make you throw your hands up & say, "Oh, Jesus Tapdancing Christ!". Some Jon Stewart, because I love him.



Monday, August 13, 2007

I just died from happiness

So, this morning, I get up, lounge & watch the History channel for a little while, run to the store, my new baby almost gets nailed by some scab in a domestic SUV, and head to the house to do a load of laundry & exploit the free Internet connections from down the street.

Also, a nice maintenance man named Patrick who looked like Johnny Rotten's slightly less retarded younger brother fixed my toilet, so now it will stop running every 2 minutes.

Anyway, I hop online, and check the NYTimes.com headlines that get emailed out everyday. Nothing spectaular going on, so I lounge about a couple other websites, until I get to Salon.com. At which moment, my head exploded from sheer joy.

Awaiting me was:



How f-ing glorious is that, people?

That delightfully pudgy man who in responsible for 6 & 1/2 years of fear- & hate-mongering by our current administration has bowed out & resigned. I, unfortunately, have things I need ot get done, so I cannot rant right now, but I will supply this brief, but substantial, summary of Rove's legacy by Tim Grieve of Salon.com's War Room.

Remembering Karl Rove

We could spend days reminiscing about the role Karl Rove has played in our politics over the past decade or so -- the whisper campaigns against Ann Richards in Texas and John McCain in South Carolina, the fight over Florida in 2000, the demonization of John Kerry in 2004, the "thumpin'" Rove and his boss and their party took in 2006 -- and we'll be looking forward to what Rove himself has to say about all of it when he sits down to write his book after leaving the White House this month.

In the meantime, here are a few memories that spring right to mind:

The outing of Valerie Plame: Rove leaked the identity of CIA operative Valerie Plame to Robert Novak and to Matthew Cooper in the summer of 2003. For as long as it could -- or as long as it needed to -- the White House adamantly denied that Rove was involved in Plame's outing. White House press secretary Scott McClellan said in September 2003 that "the president knows" that Rove wasn't involved and that it was "ridiculous" to suggest that he was. In October 2003, McClellan said he had spoken with Rove and Scooter Libby and that they had "assured" him that they were "not involved in this." Rove himself was cagey: "I didn't know her name. I didn't leak her name," he told ABC early on, a formulation he repeated for Larry King at the Republican National Convention in August 2004. Only after Bush was reelected in 2004 did we learn the truth: Rove had, in fact, been "involved." And while he may not have leaked Plame's "name," he confirmed for both Novak and Cooper that ambassador Joseph Wilson's wife worked for the CIA. Asked about the revelation that Rove had, in fact, been involved, Bush said in June 2006: "I trust Karl Rove."

Karl Rove and Patrick Fitzgerald: When Rove first sat down with FBI agents investigating Plame's outing, he somehow forgot to mentionforgot to mention it a second time when he first testified before Patrick Fitzgerald's grand jury. Four visits to the grand jury room later, Rove somehow managed to avoid the perjury, false statement and obstruction of justice charges Scooter Libby ultimately faced. In his opening statement at Libby's trial, Libby defense attorney Ted Wells argued that the White House had tried to make Libby take the fall for outing Plame because Rove "had to be protected." After Libby was convicted, a puzzled juror asked, "What are we doing with this guy here? Where's Rove?" that he had revealed Plame's identity to Matthew Cooper. He somehow

Rove and the U.S. attorneys purge: We don't know the extent of Rove's role in the decision to fire a slew of U.S. attorneys last year, in part because the president has used claims of executive privilege to block those who do know -- including Rove -- from responding to congressional subpoenas, in part because the Republican National Committee hasn't turned over e-mail messages Rove sent via a private RNC account, and in part because Rove reportedly continued to deleteTony Snow said the notion of firing all 93 U.S. attorneys had been Harriet Miers' idea and "her idea only." Confronted on March 15, 2007, with an e-mail message suggesting that Rove had advocated the idea, Snow said that Rove had actually opposed the idea. One day later, Snow retreated completely: "It has been described as [Miers'] idea," he said, "but I don't want to try to vouch for origination. At this juncture, people have hazy memories." such e-mails even after he was told not to. Among the things we do know: White House press secretary

Rove and Jack Abramoff: Rove has claimed that convicted GOP lobbyist Jack Abramoff was just a "casual acquaintance." The House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform subsequently identified 82 contacts between Abramoff's team and Rove's office, including a series of communications in which Abramoff set Rove up with tickets to watch the NCAA basketball tournament from his skybox at what was then known as the MCI Center in Washington.

Rove and terrorism: In June 2005, Rove did publicly what he'd so often accomplished more privately: He painted Democrats as terrorist sympathizers. "Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 in the attacks and prepared for war," Rove said in a speech in Manhattan. "Liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers." Rove -- whose boss, at this point, has sent 3,689 U.S. soldiers to their deaths in Iraq -- argued that comments Sen. Dick Durbin had just made about Guantánamo Bay were "putting our troops in greater danger," then added: "No more needs to be said about the motives of liberals."

Rove and the long view of history: Earlier this year, Rove told the Washington Post that the disaster called Iraq notwithstanding, the "Bush doctrine" of preemptive war will go down as the president's biggest legacy. "It has a logic of force and nature and reality that will cause people to examine it, adjust it, test it, resist it -- but ultimately embrace it."

Rove and his own legacy: "I'm a myth," Rove says as he prepares to step down. "There's the 'Mark of Rove.' I read about some of the things I'm supposed to have done, and I have to try not to laugh."


Shut up!!

So, yesterday, I'm chillin' on my butt in my apt, when my friend Nick (an APO buddy from undergrad) calls. He's in town from NYC & had told me he would call while he was around, so I was excited to hear from him. But, his flight was changed at the last minute, so the friend that was supposed to pick him up from the airport is now busy, so could I come get him at 4:45?

I love helping so I say sure, he can buy me a beer & we'll call it even.

So, I hop in the shower &, when I get out, there are 3 missed calls & a voicemail from my mom. I'm wondering what the hell happened, so I call her back.

Mom: "You need to come out to the house. When can you make it out?"

Me: "I don't know.... Maybe Sunday?"

Mom: "No, it needs to be today or tomorow, and I know you're moving Ryan tomorrow, so you have to come out today."

Me: "I kind of have plans. I need to finish getting the house ready & I'm supposed to pick up a friend from the airport later on today."

Mom: "Well, then, I guess you're coming out right now, huh?"

Me: "Fine. Sure. Let me get ready & I'll be out soon."

So, I haul my happy ass out to Lee's Summit. And, what is awaiting me in Lee's Summit?

*Cue Price is Right's Rod Roddy* A fabulous new car!!!





Ok, not brand new, but a 2004 Honda Civic Sedan. It's all pretty & sparkly & champagne-y.

Isn't she beautimous? Her name is Marilyn, and I love her. She is my law school graduation present. She certainly made driving to the airport more enjoyable. And, she got to help move Ryan's stuff into the new house.

New house is adorable. There will be partying here soon enough, and I hope you can all make it out.

Once moving is done, I will resume blogs of slightly more consequence. But, for now, I'm tired & need to unpack stuff.

Love for everyone!

I blog therefor I am.... cranky

First, some good stuff:
1. The bar is over & hopefully I passed it & will never have to take the damn thing again.
2. Colorado was wonderful. Denver was stupid fun, playing disc golf in the mountains was A-mazing, and there was incredible beer EVERYWHERE. More stories & some pictures later.

But, first, the reason I am blogging at 9:23am, when I don't even have Internet in my apartment.

I couldn't sleep last night. Didn't think much of it, just some insomnia. But, it made it so that, at 6:40, when I got up to go walking with Summer, I'd managed just over 4 hours of sleep. I was damn tired during the walking, but knew I could go back to my apt & sleep afterwards, so no worries. Summer & I had a lovely walk & we went by the house Ryan & I are renting & poked in the windows & looked at our super cute backyard. Yay. Whee.

I get back to my place a little before 8, and lay down on the couch to nap until about 9, whne I am planning on getting up, showering off my funk, and starting my day.

At 8:20, I'm finally drifting off, having stopped sweating from the mugginess I was waking in, and there's a knock on the door.

"Yes?" I call.

Nothing.

"Hello?" I say.

Still nada.

Ryan now says, no louder than I had, "Hello?"

Male voice says back, "Maintenance."

Clearly, me & the guy who wouldn't respond 'til a guy talked to him? We're best friends already.

I throw on some pants & open the door.

Me: "Morning."

Dude: "Morning. We're here to take your bathroom apart."

Me: "Excuse me?"

Dude: "Yeah. Your toilet is leaking into the apartment below, so we have to take your bathroom apart to fix some pipes and get the thing taken care of." Pause. "Didn't you get our note?"

Me: "Nope, I sure didn't. So, what are you doing again? I thought someone came in a couple weeks ago and fixed the leak into the apartment below."

Aside: Not only did they come in & "fix" it a couple weeks ago, they tore by bathroom apart, left random crap all across my hallway when they were done, and, since they"fixed" it, my toilet has developed the habit of running for about 20 seconds every 2-3 minutes. It's fun. Anyway...

Dude: "Yeah, well, apparently, it didn't take of the problem."

At this point, some other dude with a foul, pseudo-handlebar moustache & who is wearing sunglasses inside walks into the hallway carrying a wet-vac. Charming.

Dude2: "We're going to try and get this done as fast as possible, but it'll probably take 4-5 hours."

Me: "Oh. Well, alright, then."

Dude2: "It might take less, but that's my guess for it right now."

Me: "Fantastic. Well, you gotta do what you gotta do."

So, they come inside. And, within 10 minutes, my toilet has been detached from the floor and moved into the middle of the bathroom.

And, now, here I am. Sitting in Muddy's coffeeshop. I am tired and unshowered. I have not had a chance to poop yet today. I cannot use my bathroom until, at least, 12:30. Fabulous.

And, to shmear a little icing on the cake? I have a second interview at Houston's at 2:30. Yes, it's waiting tables. Yes, I hate waiting tables. But, I am too poor right now to put off finding a job, or to be too proud to take something that - while neither glamorous nor remotely related to any of my degrees - will make me some money and keep food in my pantry.

If you want, feel free to come see me.

But, yes, if the plumber who wears sunglasses inside takes longer than his estimate, I will not have time to shower before my interview, and I don't really want to go in smelling like gross sweat-funk.

I am a cranky, gross, tired girl who needs to poo & it does not make me happy.

Bastard fuckers who can't fix the f-ing toilet right the first time....

And, seriously? Note? What f-ing note? Now, I know I'm going to sound a little crazy & all conspiracy theory-y (oh, I said it), but maybe my crazy neighbor is being a dick again. I mean, someone in my building used to rip my FedEx delivery notices off the front door, rip them up, and throw them in the bushes. No, really. Lemme see if I can find a link to that old blog.... Ah. Here ya go.

Or, maybe my maintenance guys just suck & forgot to put the note on my door.

Either way, I am a cranky Lizzard. At least the coffee here is good.