Friday, August 24, 2007

Here ya go!

I keep not posting anything, and you fuckers keep clicking & looking at my blog, anyway. So, here's something new for you to look at!

Jesus, lots of shit has been going on on this end. (Mmmmmm, poorly written sentences...) I've been (slowly) moving my stuff into the new house. I worked a fabulously awesome (?) temp job for the Spamalot merch guy (ooooohhhh, the story I have for you!). I'm starting a job waiting tables at Pizzeria Uno (my dream, clearly). And... shit... there was something else & maybe I'll remember it soon.

First, and the main actual story I have for you is this:

So, I worked the Spamalot merch table for the past 5 days, Tuesday through Saturday, with matinees and evening shows Saturday & Sunday. Super fun. My boss? A complete idiot. Really retarded. With a system, which got more asinine & fucked up with every passing day. Systems are only good if you actually use them, people!

Anyway.

So, Thursday, the idiot says to me, while we're in the middle of the pre-show rush, "So, what kind of law do you practice?"

I reply, "Well, I've done prosecution & criminal defense so far, and I'll probably end up a criminal defense attorney."

To which he responds, "Really? Huh. Ok, I have something I want to ask you after the first act starts."

Sure, whatever. And, the first act starts. And, Bill, "The Man with the Plan... er, System," asks, "So, would you ever defend someone you knew was guilty?"

Normal question. I've just started out & already been asked this about 8 million times. "Sure," says I. "It doesn't really matter to me if someone's guilty. Everyone deserves a fair shot at the justice system, and it's my job to make sure they get that shot. Guilty or not."

Billy Boy gets this furious look on his face, "But, like, really guilty people? Child molesters and wife killers?"

"It doesn't matter," I tell him. "My job is to protect my client's interests, whatever those might be."

He gets even more pissed, gets right up in my fucking face, points his finger at me, and says, "That's terrible. You're a horrible immoral person for protecting someone like that. YOU are what's wrong with the justice system & why people don't like lawyers."

This is not quite the response I expected. The hair on the back of my neck bristles a little, and I can feel my cheeks flush. But, I try to stay calm, because I'm pretty sure he's just trying to get a rise out of me. So, as calmly as I can, I say, "Actually, I'm a relatively moral, good person. And, you're missing the major point here. My job isn't to like helping people who have committed some awful crime, it's just to help them. Shit, I've helped baby fuckers, wife killers, wife beaters, and just straight murderers. And, I go home and won't look at myself in the mirror for a few hours. I don't like it, but it's my job. So, by god, I'm going to be the best at it I can be & help them as best as I can."

Bill does not care. "But, doesn't it bother you? These are horrible people you're helping. You're horrible." (Swear to god. He called me horrible and all of those lovely things I put in the paragraph 2 up from this one.)

So, now, I am very mad. How does this ignorant fucker think he is? He can't even keep track of how many shirts he added to the fucking inventory, but he has decided he knows what's right & wrong in the justice system? The little cock.

Still trying to keep calm, but starting to lose my cool, "Listen, dude. I don't always like it, but this is what I do. Every last single person to be subjected to our judicial system has the right to a fair trial, and it is my fucking job to make sure he gets that chance. It really doesn't matter to me if he's guilty. I'm going to do everything I can to see that justice is done."

We go in this circle for quite a while - him attacking me because I don't agree with his stance, me trying to find different justifications for why I would do what I do. Until, finally, I hit on something that (apparently) strikes a cord. That, or he could tell that if he didn't back the fuck off, I might come across the table that's separating us, and rip his ugly little balding head off.

It was something along the lines of, "You're missing the fucking point & you're pissing me off. When I'm admitted to the Missouri bar, I'll be taking an oath. That oath doesn't say I'll make sure that people stay out of jail, it's says I'll uphold the constitution of this state, and of the United States. And, that's my fucking job. And, the constitution says that someone who is on trial gets a whole bunch of specific rights. And, it is my job to make sure that the courts, the police, prosecutors, and judgmental jerks like you don't take those rights away from anyone - guilty or not. Because, if you take basic constitutional rights away from people who have confessed, who's next? People that are probably guilty? People who might be guilty, or who the media makes everyone think is guilty? Fuck that. Everyone deserves every last god damn right that's afforded him, whether you think they do, or not."

That's paraphrasing it down a little, but pretty close.

And, after that, Ol' Bill shut the fuck up.

And, started apologizing like crazy & trying to kiss my ass.

Which I was having none of. Shit, he'd just spent 20 minutes throwing ad hominem attacks at me in what he kept insisting was a "debate." He actually had the audacity to tell me that I was a "believer" and that was why I couldn't see what a terrible person I was, and how immoral and horrible me and my profession were.

We weren't exactly friends. I half-accepted his apologies, throwing little digs in here & there. (What? I was cranky. Some ignorant fuck had spent most of the first act telling me I was a bad, immoral person & that I was why people hated lawyers. I was not a happy Lizzard.)

But, that is all over now. I have made some money & I never have to see Bill again.

Seriously, though, people. Maybe I've helped defend some scumbags. Maybe I'll defend some more before I'm through. And, maybe I am a believer. But, shit in a hat, there are many fucked up things about this country, but there are good things, too.

One of those good things is that the founding fathers knew that, given the chance, mob mentality would throw people charged with deplorable crimes to the fucking lions with little more than a kangaroo hop through the court system. So, they set up all sorts of fancy protections and laws to make sure that the people didn't get fucked. That everyone had some sort of chance. And, this is good.

And, maybe a lot of people don't like that baby fuckers & wife killers & puppy beaters get these chances, but they do. And, if you're like Bill & have never needed to employ the protections afforded you by the constitution, et al., then it's easy to say fuck the people who do.

But, the founding fathers were smart guys. They knew what they were doing.

Anyway, hope you're all having fun, wherever you may be.

Oh, yeah! Ryan & I bought a grill & it is the shit!

Love for everyone!

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