Tuesday, May 16, 2006

I would like to have sex, please.

The title is not to imply that I'm not getting any. I have a lovely young man with a delicious sexual appetite. Nor is it meant to come across as whiney. I'm simply stating the fact that, at this point in the evening, I would like some ass.

Also, I came across a couple old articles & thought I'd comment. Why the hell not? What else am I gonna do? Read for class? (Actually, my reading is ready to go & waiting for me to finish this.)

So, anyway...

The first article I'm referencing is from GQ, "The Elephant in the Bedroom," about why Republicans are better in the sack. I keep wanting to believe that the writer is trying to be funny & laugh at Repubs throughout the whole thing, but I'm not sure. In one section, the author says, "Republicans, because they've never done a damn thing for you, have no such delusions." (Ooooo, burn!)

But, all she really seems to do in her writing is make Repubs look like huge douches (which they can handle on their own just fine). And, in this regard, she does a delightful job.

The reply article is here. The categories are the same (except on the first 2, delete the word "No.")

You're smart kids. You'll figure out what point of view is being taken by each side. Or, if you can't handle that, read the articles. It's good for you.

1. No conscience! - Because they have no conscience, Repubs will have no problem cheating on their "girlfriend/wife/whatever" (no, really!) and just drilling the shit out of you. So, I suppose they also won't have any problem giving you whatever funk they have on their junk without an apology or warning, or rolling over once they're done, while you lie there, staring dumbly at your unstaisfied (yet, strangely itchy) groin.

2. No tears! - Repub are better b/c they never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever cry. In all honesty, I'm torn on my commentary here. I do not like criers. At all. Ask people who knew me early in undergrad about the beautiful, viking-like man I dumped, in large part, because he cried. (Although, in my defense, he cried over stupid shit. I dated & did not dump another man who cried over the death of a family member, this is healthy. Crying because you don't like your nickname is gross.)

3. A sense of perspective - Repubs won't get bumbed & lose their wood b/c Tucker Carlson wore a regular tie tonight. Unlike Dems, who apparently can't keep it up if Jon Stewart is having an off night. ON the contrary, I've had amazing sex BECAUSE Jon Stewart was having an off night & we needed something to do before Colbert came on. Also, there's something about getting pissed off about stuff & taking your aggression out on your partner and Repubs apparently don't have this sort of aggressive sex, because they don't get worked up over things. And, a liberal man will not only fuck your brains out, if something goes wrong that night, he'll go with you to get your Plan B (which he helped protect your access to) the next morning. On a similar line, political action is hot. I've had sex BECAUSE it was a voting day & the voting needed to be celebrated.

4. A sense of humor - No, Republicans are dumb. They laugh at rude, hateful things (other than themselves). And, you can say as much as you like about Repubs being able to laugh at Stewart, but where's the (intentionally) funny guy on Fox News? That's right. There isn't one.

5. Foreplay - She gives no evidence. I think she's lying. I'd like to refer back to #1 - no conscience = no interest in your orgasm = weak-ass foreplay = somebody bring me a hippy!

6. Size - Apparently, Repubs have giant dicks. And, here, I just thought they WERE giant dicks who were compensating for the cocktail weenies in their tighty-whities. (And, you know they wear TWs... or, worse! bikinis!)

7. Efficiency - Repubs like to whip it out in public. I am not a fan of PDA, so this does nothing for me. Although, she does promise sex in strange places with Repubs. Well, the only person I've hooked up with in any way & known to be a Repub was (a) a shit kisser, (b) completely still and silent the entire time, and (c) totally unwilling to reciprocate. He was very efficient, in making sure I never returned his phone calls.

8. Largesse - Repubs will take control (you have my attention), by telling me where to go to dinner (excellent. The last time that happened, we were a block from the steakhouse he had chosen to before he even bothered to ask if I had any food issues - and found out I was vegetarian), and ordering the wine he thinks is best (close to good again, but I bet the asshole is a Chardonnay drinker). And, under this heading, she points out that Repubs will never dissect & split a bill with you. Which is fine, but the person I know who is the most anal about splitting bills is a closet Republican. (Fun story about him [DOUCHE]. It was his then girlfriend, now fiancee's, birthday & at the dinner [which he declined to take part in planning], he asked for his bill & her's to be put together... And, then asked everyone else at the table for a dollar & some change to cover it. Hot. Oh! And! this wasn't even his finest b-day performance! At her 21st, her friends asked HER to come play pool, but not him, so he pulled her away from the game to bitch about how HE wasn't having any fun & she should LEAVE her b-day party b/c her friends weren't being nice to him & he wanted to leave. TOTALLY a keeper. This is the sort of man I want having an influence on my children. Dooooooouche.) Also, I'd rather have a $5 sammich I picked out for myself from the Mediterranean place that some $25 entree that I'm only choking down because you're paying & I feel like I should. Although, I'll concede that a man who can order me a decent glass of wine gets bonus points.

Sorry, I digress. Back to the task at hand!

9. Wooing techniques - Repubs send dirty e-mails. I could share things Dems have written to me (& I've written back) that would make Cheney blush, but I won't because I don't have their consent &, really, it's none of your damn business what my extracurricular activities consist of.

10. Nightstand Reading - Repubs won't read in bed, just fuck you. I'm pretty sure this has nothing to do with their "manliness," but simply the fact that the white-T bastards can't read.

There's a 10.5, but's just condeding that no one really wants to fuck a Repub (can you imagine Santorum in your bedroom... wait... that came out wrong... i mean... ass... oh, shit... no! that's not what i mean! I mean no one wants to bang a Rick Santorum when they could get on Clinton, instead.) (If you don't understand why everyone else is giggling retardedly right now, go here.)

Ok. That's all. I hope you all have really great sex very, very soon.